Vulnerable


vulnerable, flawed, it's ok to not be okay
Vulnerability is beauty

I wrote this post about 4 years ago and wow, has it blessed me...again! So recently, like about a week ago, I totally had a vulnerable moment with someone I consider a friend and an encourager in my residency program.

So residency can be super super tough, the hours are long, some patients' situations can be so sad and just wear on you emotionally, and then you have your own personal life situations to add on top of it :/. But last week I totally broke down in front of one of my friends in residency and just cried my eyes out. But in that moment of vulnerability, I felt so much freedom. I thought of this post I wrote 4 years ago as I reflected on that moment last week...

*The words in italics and brackets are the more recent lessons I have learned after walking through a very hard season of life that began about 2.5 years ago. A full testimony on that will come eventually.

So growing up, I always thought being a tough, big girl was not only cool, but necessary. I thought I needed to keep a chip on my shoulder and walk around all inflated with ego. And oh my goodness, don’t you dare say something I didn’t want to hear; you would most definitely have gotten a word or two… or three said to you, lol. I was a complete mess Ha!

As I mature, not speaking of physically getting older, but as I grow in my Spirit (wo)Man, I understand why letting go of that pride, being broken down, and being pliable is key. Firstly, walking around holding my breath, trying to puff out and inflate my chest, making myself seem bigger and better than I really am takes up waaaayy too much energy. More importantly I’ll make myself pass out from not breathing haha! But no, on a serious note, being vulnerable is cool stuff. There have been so many instances in these past couple of weeks that have highlighted why it is imperative.

I know y’all, it sounds super weird. Vulnerability? Good? Ha, yeah right! Just give me a second and hear me out. So firstly, not being vulnerable does not allow room for improvement. And trust me, home girl right here, *points at self,* needs some improvement. We all have room to grow, truly. Ok, let me give you an example. Think about it this way. So let’s say you and your friend go out on a cute little lunch date and you order a nice spinach and feta salad. You get a chunk of spinach all jammed up in your pearly whites. Now, since you are not vulnerable to any type of correction or advice, you just walk around smiling at everyone, looking crazy with some spinach plastered on your teeth. No bueno. Lol. But, if you were vulnerable to your friends suggestions, you would hear them out, step into the bathroom, and pull out that sneaky piece of greens. Make sense?

And I know, society tells us the exact opposite. That you gotta be tough; it’s a dog eat dog world; it’s all about survival of the fittest; yada yada; blahzay blah. But God has spoken this into my heart these past couple weeks, and He wants me to share with you. Be susceptible! Be vulnerable! If you don’t you’re gonna walk around with spinach in your mouth. Lol.

Jesus displayed the significance of being vulnerable in Luke 5:17-25. So in the story, a paralyzed man is brought into a room where Jesus is teaching. Jesus turns to the man and says, “Young man, your sins are forgiven.” The people sitting in the room with spinach stuck in their teeth, oops I mean the pharisees, were not impressed by what Jesus did, like in the least bit. And since Jesus is so awesome, He was able to read their minds and know their hearts. Jesus asked the pharisees, “Is it easier to say your sins are forgiven or to say stand up and walk?” It might not be so evident, it sure wasn’t for me at first either, but God is saying it is better to be physically paralyzed that be paralyzed in the spirit. Now that’s a tough one to swallow. But if we are spiritually dead, aka not vulnerable to the Holy Spirit, God cannot move in our hearts and in our lives. But if we are alive in Him and He is us, He is able to do mighty things. Oh and He can also fix your physical paralysis too. Fyi, at the end of the story, in Luke 4:23, Jesus tells the man to get up and walk; and the man does so, of course.

I was once spiritually dead. I was walking around with a whole bag of spinach jammed all up in my grill. I didn’t want to have a temper or cop an attitude with the people I loved, but I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to God’s spirit, so He couldn’t make a move in my life. I would always make excuses on how it was the other person’s fault and they deserved to get snapped on. What nonsense. Smh. [And most recently, starting about 2.5 years ago I walked through another season of not being open to the Holy Spirits leading. I was living a life of secrecy, deception, lust, fear, and insecurity covered under the guise of perfection and pride.]

But GOD! He forgave my sins and as a bonus, allowed me to get up and walk too. But the most important part was the first–forgiving my sins (allowing for me to be spiritually alive and no longer spiritually paralyzed). I would say this change has been happening for about 4 years now [now about 8 years ago], but He finally delivered me [and is continuing to deliver me]. And what did it take for deliverance? Being vulnerable. ; ). I had to admit that I had a little temper issue and an attitude sometimes. [more recently, I had to admit that I was insecure, didn't value myself as I should, was filled with deception and lies, lust, and fear]. Yeah it was tough. It wasn’t fun looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a little bit of ugliness, but I thank God. He broke down my flesh. [I thank God for letting me choose what my heart desired so that I would know that his plans for me are better than what I choose for myself. I thank God for the many lessons he taught me from the choices I made]. He sat patiently and let me walk to the end of my road. Knowing that I would have to turn around and crawl into His embrace. And yeah, it hurt Him too, to watch me come back all battered and bruised up, crawling on my knees, weeping, but He gives everyone a choice. He never forces anything on anyone. But He will gently nudge His love on you.

So I have a couple questions for you. Are you tired of walking around looking like a big shot, that nobody can punk out, but deep down inside you feel small, tired, and weary from that face you put on? Do you feel battered and bruised up by always trying, always working hard to make yourself look better than you feel? God is telling me to tell you, it’s alright my sister or my brother. You can take off the costume. You don’t have to try to be something you’re not anymore. Give your issues, your worries, your insecurities, your fears, your temper, your ugly sides all to God! Be vulnerable to His voice. Be vulnerable to His correction and guidance. Be vulnerable to His love. He will make everything alright. Trust, He did it for me. And He can do the same for you.

Be Blessed Y’all!

XOXO,

Jenn





You go before I know

That You've gone to win my war

You come back with the head of my enemy

You come back and You call it my victory

You go before I know

That You've gone to win my war

Your love becomes my greatest defense

It leads me from the dry wilderness

All I did was praise

All I did was worship

All I did was bow down

All I did was stay still

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better Your way

You know before I do

Where my heart can seek to find Your truth

Your mercy is the shade I'm living in

You restore my faith and hope again

All I did was praise

All I did was worship

All I did was bow down

All I did was stay still

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better this way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better this way

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better Your way

When I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to Your love

You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together

You are the defender of my heart

x2

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better this way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better Your way

x2

All I did was praise

All I need to do is worship

Lord I will just bow down

I'm just gonna stay still


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