STRAIGHT OUTTA MY JOURNAL
April 18, 2017
All diseases have a root cause, they all have specific manifestations that present as symptoms. And I have been really, really sick for years, really. But because I didn't have full blown symptoms, I thought I was fine. Some moments the mild symptom would present, but they would quickly fade away, or I would do a quick fix to suppress them. It's sort of like having stage 4 cancer that has spread all throughout the body. Let's say the symptoms aren't so severe yet, and you just have a nagging cough. So you take a cough suppressant and go about living like you are all fine. Meanwhile the cancer is ravaging your body. That's how I was doing. :/
It was time to get to the root of the issue and fix it. About 5 months ago [now almost a year ago], my symptoms of the sickness really came to surface. And this time I decided not to cut the little saplings produced from the strong root. Because normally little twigs and blades of grass/weeds would sprout to the surface. But whenever a weed would bust through to the surface, I would simply cut the blades of grass and think I tackled the issue. But in actuality, the stronghold root was still there, growing stronger, inching deeper and deeper into the soil and spreading its disease to more areas of my life.
Y'all, I was really, really sick, and I didn't even know it. Those strongholds were just fortifying themselves under the surface until it instantaneously, almost over night produced, a massive, massive oak tree, meant to destroy me.
For about a period of 18 months, about a year ago, I stayed in a very unhealthy, emotionally abusive, draining relationship, meant to destroy my life and my relationship on Earth and in Heaven. But this was only a symptom of a very bad disease.
This question comes to mind, would it be better to be symptomless and drop dead while strolling through a park on a bright and sunny day, or would one rather have symptoms that can grab one's attention so one may know to get treatment
I prefer the latter! So although I have reached the end of my rope, I am grateful for these symptoms that finally grabbed my attention. Mind you throughout life I had some symptoms, but I ignored them, so it took this great symptomatic episode to wake me up.
My disease was deep rooted. The roots surged farther and father down into the Earth, I wouldn't be surprised if it touched the center of the Earth.
The stronghold kept growing and multiplying and forming interconnections meant to represent how the stronghold would manifest and intertwine and infiltrate many areas of my life
My disease at its root is sin.
Sin manifested as deception and secrecy learned from a very young age. Parents in disunity, due to whatever roots they never plucked out, helped me lie to stay out of trouble with one if the other parent and I conspired on something. The abuser convinced me to not tell anyone about how he touched me [another post on this will come soon]. And I agreed to it. It seemed normal to me to keep secrets.
Parents pinning children against parents...evoking regret and shame because of "all the things he has done for me," enabled me to not feel loved, be easily pressured to feel bad even when I didn't do anything wrong or feel regret and the need to apologize and make up for a situation that never needed to occur if the parent was mature and not manipulative. I believed that manipulation and chasing after acceptance was love. I found myself involved with boys that never really respected or loved me, cheated, manipulated, abused my emotions and body, and used me. It was very easy for this to happen because I didn't love or respect myself. I never knew my true worth or who to look to as an example.
I feared so badly of repeating my home and my parents relationship that rather than being attentive to my actions, using wisdom, and sitting at God's feet, humbly to truly hear from him, I actually walked right into the autopilot, cruise control mode, straight to repeat generational sinville.
The relationship was so unhealthy. My body was abused, my emotions were forced into contortionistic positions, I was drained and deprived of doing what I loved, being my happy, out going cheerful self and robbed of money I didn't even have. This explosion leading me to the ER of God's throne was actually life saving. I had to get treatment. My history was taken, a physical exam was performed, lab work was drawn and imaging studies taken. I was given a diagnosis of being a liar, deceiver, manipulator, having low self-esteem, being filled with fear of having a toxic home, pride and believing I had Jesus all figured out and knew him very well, filled with unforgiveness, and hurt, desperate for male attention, acceptance, and love.
After the history and physical, labs and images were taken, God came into the room. The Great Physician told me what my treatment plan was. He said you are broken and splattered on the ground, come to my office and let me treat you. You need to get this deep seeded root, this stronghold out! Confess that you love me, confess that you are free, take your daily dose of me-- the word, prayer, worship-- love and forgive absolutely EVERYONE with no exception or requirement. Forgiven even you. I love you.
I hope this post blesses you and also helps you reflect and uproot whatever roots need some plucking.
Know that God loves you like nobodies business!
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