Audience of One

Performance mode seems to be our resting place in this day and age, where if your Instagram following is not deep you aren't worth much. Where your reel time is everything, if you didn't post it, it might as well have not even happened. In performance mode, we feel the constant need to get approval. We feel the need to put on the best act to get a standing ovation and have the crowd scream encore. While we're wearing acting masks, we feel the need to be perfect, since everyone is watching, there is no room for a slip up.

Y'all this was my whole life last week (this post was written a year a half ago) . Smh. The struggle bus was driving real smooth. 🤦‍♀️

In my residency, I am on a service that is brand spanking new to me. Never studied it in medical school, never rotated on this service before. And yes, I studied the topic for my yearly OBGYN inservice exam, but let's face it I'm not too sure what I am doing, because it's very knew to me. And with anything being new, it's expected for anyone to not get everything right, to not feel the absolutely smartest, and to be a little bit slower in differentiated what is important details or not. But some how, with me being stuck in "Action, take 1" mode, I was a total hot mess. I was trying be perfect, but would get something wrong and then get very frustrated with myself. Then I became overwhelmed because I got the question wrong. I became so overwhelmed to the point that instead of thinking about the next task at hand I was focusing on trying not to be wrong again, which made me actually get more things wrong.

Y'all, it was bad. I literally had anxiety going into work every day because I didn't want to get more things wrong and not get the standing ovation and the screams for an encore.

I finally had enough and had to sit with God on this issue. [Disclaimer: Saints don't wait to talk to God about an issue after so much time has passed, talk to Him immediately]. As I sat before the Lord, cried my tears, and poured out my heart, The Lord told me about my whole life. Oh, Lawd! 😩 lol. In my efforts of striving for perfection, wanting to be accepted as intelligent and then being too hard on myself because I wasn't meeting the mark, rather exacerbated everything and making me miss the mark more, God told me only He can be perfect. And if perfection were attainable that means I could one day be God. And that would be straight up blasphemy!

We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.

Isaiah 64:6

Second, He told me mistakes are ok, you will make them but the goal is to strive to reach the mark, though you may not attain it. You're attempts of getting to the mark will make you better and one step closer to it. Rather than trying to be perfect, which just makes you worse (lol), just try and be better and leave room for error, because faults will occur and when they do you won't be so hard on yourself.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:23

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have laid hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

Lastly, God told me that I am performing for an audience of one-- for Him. God is my audience and He is all I should try and please. In pleasing man, it is tiring, everyone has their preferences; you will never be able to actually please everyone. Because when you get to meeting all of Billy Bob's preferences now Susy Q is upset because you aren't meeting her preferences and vice versa. God is the one that I should strive to please because in doing so, I will not only be a better version of me, but it will help me love others better. Because part of the territory of being a Christian is loving your neighbor--all of them.

Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. This is the true worship that you should offer.

Romans 12:1

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen

1 John 4: 20

So this weekend, I allowed space for error. And it felt good. I allowed room to have some loose ends. I allowed room for God to do His perfecting work in me. Not me perfecting me, but He-- my one audience-- working His cleansing, healing, sanctifying power through me.

I pray that you give God room to in your performance hall. I pray that you put a "show cancelled" sign up on the front doors in BIG OL' black letters, kick everyone out of the hall and let God sit front row and center and then dance. Even it its your worse dance God still loves it. And it that place, with him being front row, He can now work on you.

Be bless y'all.



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